Real Talks…?

Growing up, I was not one to express my emotions to people. I was taught by many around me that showing how I felt was a weakness. That it made me vulnerable. So all I ever let myself show in public was anger, and on occasion happiness. Some friends (mostly girls, guys understand this rule) asked me why I was so insensitive. I often told them about the weakness rule and left it at that. In reality I was an emotional wreck, incapable of understanding what I felt. Then I became a Christian and after some time, had an honest conversation about my feelings with someone. It was surreal. I remember expressing fear, confusion and grief. I had never really done it before and it was the first time I had done so without being false in my motives. I was being genuine. It was relieving, almost therapeutic. I felt like a new person. The best part about it was that I didn’t come out of the conversation the same. My attitude was tested, corrected and changed as a result of it. It was the most real conversation I had ever had and since then, I’ve had many more. So you can imagine that when I hear people saying they’ve had “Real Talks” that I instantly get interested.

My twitter timeline and Facebook homepage are filled with people saying “Real talks with (insert name here)” and “I love real talks with my boy/girl (insert name here)”. It excited me at first. As in, who wouldn’t be excited about so many people being open and honest with the people around them? It was a great thing for me to see in so many people I knew. Or at least, that’s what I thought. But as of late, I’ve noticed something about people’s supposed “Real Talks”. They (for the most part) haven’t really happened.

Now before someone jumps down my throat about being an unloving, judgmental Christian I need to make something very clear. I do not hate people having emotionally moving, thought provoking conversations. I encourage them. But I am a person who’s very first honest and open conversation (that wasn’t an argument) resulted not just in warm fuzzy feelings, but positive change in perspective. I’ve had many of these conversations and they’ve changed my life. They’ve helped me realize my flaws and pointed me to repentance (change of mind and action), as well as helped me realize there are things in my life that are not my fault. They’ve directed me to perceive things in a way that isn’t centered on me. Instead, I look at things as they are in reality. I have “Real Talks”. The evidence is in my life. I have a long way to go, but at the very least, I have changed positively.

Lately when I hear about people having “Real Talks” with their friends, this goes especially to my fellow teenagers, all they’ve really had are gossip and trash talk sessions. I know because I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. I’ve heard girls and guys alike talk ceaselessly about what’s going on in their lives, and instead of hearing about how people should positively handle themselves, I hear “That guy is a jerk, he doesn’t deserve you.” Or “That girl’s such a slut look at how she’s dressed.” Excuse me? Where in the world did you develop the audacity to talk about someone else’s situation in that way? How does allowing to let someone tear others down to build you up come across as real? There is no challenge to your character or encouragement to continue your growth. Just biased opinions about how to view your life. There’s a difference between being real and gossiping. There is a difference between being real and trashing people. Staying up until four A.M. with your best friend talking about how awful a person is because of your drama is not “Real Talks”. It’s just whining. It’s noise. It’s weak and it’s pathetic. And I’m ashamed every time I do it.

So why my negative outburst? Why not be content with what’s going on in my life and let everyone else be? Because that’s anything but real. I’m a lot of things but complacent is not one of them. I refuse to sit by and watch people ignorantly destroy themselves with something as simple as conversation. No one can walk out of an honest, real conversation about a negative topic and come out with the same, or more negative, attitude. A person who has had “Real Talks” may have mentioned other people, but they will not have destroyed someone’s reputation while doing so (if the person has not already destroyed their reputation). A person who has had “Real Talks” will walk away encouraged to do better and be better. They will not walk away full of themselves. A person who has been honest in private conversations will grow as a person, not succumb to being pitied by friends. They will be better as a result of honest interaction.

*SIDE NOTE: A friend on the advice giving side will be just as real giving advice. “Real Talks” aren’t supposed to be pity parties. Say what needs to be said clearly and kindly. Don’t slam someone that you don’t really know about. Focus on your friend, not their problem, especially if you aren’t involved in any way. If you aren’t the person facing troubles, you may grasp what’s going on but you’ll never fully understand. Don’t use your past experiences, or lack thereof, to try and solve your friends problems. You aren’t their saviour.

That being said, certain situations differ. Should you find a friend in a relationship that is in any way abusive or something else of a life threatening nature, PLEASE, be real and encourage them to end what could destroy them.

To end, I do want to bring up two friendships (I won’t use names, there are two friends specifically). We’ve been through hard times over the years. We went through things over time and though I’ve done some bashing of people, what my friends and I try our best to do is be honest. We look at things outside of our perspectives and try being as real as possible. We focus on our own characters, knowing we can change no one else’s for them. The result? Some grown, and still growing, individuals. I couldn’t ask for better friends and I hope that through all our Real Talks, we will continue to edify and be honest with each other. And I hope that you reading this, that you will find a friend or better, be a friend, who is honest in a way that challenges and changes people for the better.

Grace & Peace,

Joshua Watkis

Aka

The Realist Scribe