Pathetic Puddle of Love

Have you ever had one of those horrible moments when everything you believed to be true was suddenly empty? It feels awful, doesn’t it? Like someone has a firm grip on your heart and with every pump it twists and turns trying to escape. But it can’t. Reality sets in, the dream world vanishes and all you are left with is the fading image of what you now see as a flawed fantasy.

I had this kind of moment August 2’nd, a grand total of about nine days ago, on the plane back from my dads wedding. I was reading a book called ‘Crazy Love’ by Francis Chan and suddenly I felt God tell me to put the book down. In a way I can’t explain, my world just fell apart. A veil fell from my eyes and for the first time I realized something I never thought could be true.

My love for God is shallow.

The realization crashed over me like an ocean wave and left me terrified in my seat. I couldn’t escape the thought. I wanted to scream, and then to cry but I couldn’t do either. I noticed as I searched my heart I didn’t care enough to do either. Not to mention I was on a plane. My dilemma was huge. I had thought all this time I had loved God deeply. I was scarred. Was my life a lie? Was all my faith a lie?

The truth that God revealed to me over the few days was that I am terrified to let Him love me. I know that might sound ridiculous, but it’s true. I am afraid of the loving God of the Bible loving me. Why? Because of how extreme His love is. The cross is the most extreme form of execution in human history. The burden of God’s wrath for all sin, the most extreme sentence of all eternity. Jesus took them both at the same time for me. To make matters worse, He thinks I’m worth it. Really, truly worth it.

Why His does extreme love scare me? Because I can’t ignore love that radical. Whether I close my eyes, try to deny it exists or run from it, I know deep down that it is always there. Never stopping, never resting, never slowing, never ending. Even after acknowledging it I would be swept up by it, unable to resist it. I would be forced to look at myself and realize that there would only be two options from there on out.

Run away forever and never let His love influence my life

OR

Come face-to-face with and embrace His love and be radically changed by the overwhelming reality that I am loved more than I can handle, or reciprocate.

I will never be able to love God as much as He loves me. I will spend my entire life scrambling to try and love Him as much as I can, only to find I can never out give or over commit to our relationship. He is too good. My love will always be a very small puddle, His will always be a vast ocean in comparison.

I have no Bible verse, I have no song, I have no inspiring quote. All I have is this.

I want to get to know this God who loves me so much. I need to know everything about Him. And it will take time, but as I search His Word and seek Him in prayer, I hope with all my heart that my pathetic puddle of love will show the God of the universe that He is truly everything to me.

Will you let God love you?

Joshua Watkis

aka

The Beloved Scribe